I'm here to help. To help discover my own path back to sanity and to assist anyone else suffering from anxiety, ednos, bi polar disorder and manic depression. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist and any and all recommendations will be from personal experience and not guaranteed medical help.
Let's start with a summary. I am currently 22 years old. As a child I was in and out of counseling due to my fathers attempted suicide and following a second attempt of suicide/homicide, self mutilation (which is where I got my first diagnosis of depression and bipolar disorder) as well as the discovery when I was in the 7th grade of my new found eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. I have battled my eating disorder through bulimia and back and have thankfully graduated to ednos (eating disorder not otherwise defined) as I am still underweight and consciously and subconsciously practicing restrictive dieting. If you'd like to hear more about my story of my eating disorder please follow my second blog nevereatellie
This previous year in April of 2014 I experienced my first panic attack. By June I was having them daily. It was debilitating. I kept getting sent home from work. I wouldn't want to get up in the morning. I couldn't go out in public. Every time I had one it would feel like a weight left my chest and I'd physically claw my chest to try to put the weight back, followed by tunnel vision, hyperventilation, convulsing ( severe shaking and my body becoming so tense I couldn't ungrip my hands or move)
Crying. And of course, an impending sense of doom. By doom I mean a fear that this feeling never ends, like you're dying or stuck in a tunnel of bad emotion. The worst part is I never knew why I felt so scared and upset. It comes out of nowhere
I sought help as it got so bad I almost lost my job and my face was raw from crying consistently for 4 days. Now to retrace, I was ashamed to admit I'd have any sort of mental deficiency such as anxiety or depression. I accepted my eating disorder but my dad always used his mental illness as a scapegoat (also diagnosed with bipolar and manic depression)
First I saw a counselor. She taught me that I am in fact not crazy. The anxiety attacks come from my fight or flight response being chemically activated in my brain when there is no danger.
She told me not to be ashamed and not to be embarrassed, however I still to this day have a hard time talking about it.
Society has romanticized the idea of these disorders and reality is they aren't beautiful tragedies. They are a living nightmare, a horror film your brain is directing and never ends.
For 3 sessions I saw her before she recommended medication which I have never been comfortable with the idea of. Alas, desperate, I was put on Prozac 20mg to start and it kept getting bumped up where I am now at 50mg for depression
And buspar (a non addictive substitute for xanex) at 3 doses of 10mg per day and a 4th dose of 20mg
As well as trazedone (an anxiety sleeping aid) at 20mg
These kept being brought up in milligrams but I ended up ending my prescription as they didn't work and I quit my job going the stress of it was what caused all of this
Reality has hit a month or two later while I am still falling into the same black hole.
I will be telling you guys tips or tricks I learn and blogging my daily emotions as a tracker for my progress, failures and acheivments. I hope this helps anyone in need.
Stay tuned. Its 4am and I am finally done crying so I am going to turn in for the night.
Love always, Ellie