Goodnight

I woke up not speaking to Grim
feeling uncomfortable
we argued a bit more until he yelled "I just want a girlfriend who will love me for...ugh...whatever"
and it hit me
he doesnt think I accept him.
he knows I love him but he doesnt think I accept him.

so I tell him I will try harder. cause that's the thing about a narcissist and an empath. we want to fix them. we must fix them. we will die trying to fix them.
alas...maybe theres nothing to fix. all I've ever wanted was to be accepted...right?

so after grim heads to work I pack the kids and I take a drive to cool down because the suicidal tendencies are strong today. and as I'm driving I hear a loud snap and suddenly my car steers to the right and I hear a flapping noise as the tire flops airlessly on the pavement.
great.
I'm stranded with a 7 month old and a 2 year old. I panick. I pull over into an elementary school parking lot and call grim at work
"send me the address" so I text in the big blue printed letters on the side of the school.
I am already feeling the weight push down on the top of my head. why must everything go wrong. I call my mom. What else do you do when death is knocking at your front door?
shes a bomb diffuser. a master peace maker. she relaxes my panic and sets me up with a plan reminding me the tires are warrantied.

while I sit and wait for grim a Subaru pulls up and parks in the lots to the left of me. an elderly woman takes a long time getting out of her car making it apparent she is disabled. Those damn hips, I tell ya.
a 3 legged dog flops out of the car, his ears swayed with his fat belly while his stumpy legs found ground. At the same time a young runner was doing what seemed his daily jog and trying to adjust his ear buds (they never do fit right do they). The dog took interest and he was off after the young jogger nipping at his heels and barking. The elderly woman toggled along yelling at her mutt to behave while the young man tried to play it politely and pet the pup, who wanted nothing of it.
I went from crying to laughing. the weight lifted.

goodmorning

Dear reader,

This morning I was once again challenged by morals; but not in the way one might assume.
at 8:30 a.m. this morning the doorbell rang and my significant other, the father of my children (he likes to refer to himself as the grim reaper. childish but fitting) answers the door.
A man from a local tree cutting service is touching base with us as he is about to start work on the tree in our neighbors back yard that cowers over my roof like it's going to swallow me whole the next wind storm.
Instead of letting this be an enjoyable experience he decides it's in his most appropriate interest to start this 8:30 a.m. as a narcissist.
As I walk to the front door I hear him murmuring some sorts of "I'm about to poison the bitch" and the poor mans face looked appalled and slightly afraid. I simply asked him "not to say things like that" and have been met with "This is who I am. I am not changing for fucking anyone. someone will love me for me"

well while you're probably right and someone can love that unabashedly vile behavior they wont love it the way I do. So suddenly I'm in the dog house for trying to encourage my partner to be a better person as well as not cause unsafe living environments for me and my children... 

I know, ladies....red flag. Leave now ellie. well. we all know it's not that simple.

and while I'm sure more will unravel if and when I blog further for now I am stuck on this; why would you ever want to avoid becoming a better person? why would you want to be at a stalemate with yourself especially when that stalemate is so violent in itself?

on a side note it's now 801 PM I started this hours ago. he is home now. and theres an overwhelming sense of numbness. it's like my body cant be bothered to feel.... its given up

The elephant graveyard

Each time I think that I have hit rock bottom my surface gives out and I fall a little more.
Its gotten to the point where id rather sleep forever than wake up tomorrow and try this again.
Empty Doesnt cover it, I receive no solace in the idea that the sun will come out tomorrow. I sit and I try to force myself to repeat mantras in my head like you can do it, it gets better, youre going to be okay, its all in your head...
But it never stops. The anxious feeling in my stomach has gotten so vile I feel like I need to puke
The one moment I need support and I feel so incredibly alone.
I have lost hope...

Take me to the elephant graveyard and leave me to rot.

Cleaning the skeletons from the closet

I've finally come to the conclusion and courage to dispose of the one thing that has ensured my mental instability.
A boy.
An ex.
A poison.
A poison living in my house. Sleeping in my bed. Taking over whatever me space I had and turning it into "sorry, you're not welcome here"
Where do I cry
I've resorted to hiding in the bathroom. The garage. I am suffocated. And to suffocate the safe place for someone with anxiety and depression, ultimately you are killing them. I don't want to go back to where I was a year ago unable to open my eyes without crying, unable to work or leave the house because I was fucking debilitated...everything just felt so...bad...
I can't go there again. I need light.
So, alas, I am asking him to leave.

Its taken me 2 months.... To finally get the courage to ask him to go

Hi, im ellie.

I'm here to help. To help discover my own path back to sanity and to assist anyone else suffering from anxiety, ednos, bi polar disorder and manic depression. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist and any and all recommendations will be from personal experience and not guaranteed medical help.

Let's start with a summary. I am currently 22 years old. As a child I was in and out of counseling due to my fathers attempted suicide and following a second attempt of suicide/homicide, self mutilation (which is where I got my first diagnosis of depression and bipolar disorder) as well as the discovery when I was in the 7th grade of my new found eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. I have battled my eating disorder through bulimia and back and have thankfully graduated to ednos (eating disorder not otherwise defined) as I am still underweight and consciously and subconsciously practicing restrictive dieting. If you'd like to hear more about my story of my eating disorder please follow my second blog nevereatellie

This previous year in April of 2014 I experienced my first panic attack. By June I was having them daily. It was debilitating. I kept getting sent home from work. I wouldn't want to get up in the morning. I couldn't go out in public. Every time I had one it would feel like a weight left my chest and I'd physically claw my chest to try to put the weight back, followed by tunnel vision, hyperventilation, convulsing ( severe shaking and my body becoming so tense I couldn't ungrip my hands or move)
Crying. And of course, an impending sense of doom. By doom I mean a fear that this feeling never ends, like you're dying or stuck in a tunnel of bad emotion. The worst part is I never knew why I felt so scared and upset. It comes out of nowhere

I sought help as it got so bad I almost lost my job and my face was raw from crying consistently for 4 days. Now to retrace, I was ashamed to admit I'd have any sort of mental deficiency such as anxiety or depression. I accepted my eating disorder but my dad always used his mental illness as a scapegoat (also diagnosed with bipolar and manic depression)
First I saw a counselor. She taught me that I am in fact not crazy. The anxiety attacks come from my fight or flight response being chemically activated in my brain when there is no danger.
She told me not to be ashamed and not to be embarrassed, however I still to this day have a hard time talking about it.
Society has romanticized the idea of these disorders and reality is they aren't beautiful tragedies. They are a living nightmare, a horror film your brain is directing and never ends.
For 3 sessions I saw her before she recommended medication which I have never been comfortable with the idea of. Alas, desperate, I was put on Prozac 20mg to start and it kept getting bumped up where I am now at 50mg for depression
And buspar (a non addictive substitute for xanex) at 3 doses of 10mg per day and a 4th dose of 20mg
As well as trazedone (an anxiety sleeping aid) at 20mg
These kept being brought up in milligrams but I ended up  ending my prescription as they didn't work and I quit my job going the stress of it was what caused all of this

Reality has hit a month or two later while I am still falling into the same black hole.

I will be telling you guys tips or tricks I learn and blogging my daily emotions as a tracker for my progress, failures and acheivments. I hope this helps anyone in need.

Stay tuned. Its 4am and I am finally done crying so I am going to turn in for the night.

Love always, Ellie