goodmorning

Dear reader,

This morning I was once again challenged by morals; but not in the way one might assume.
at 8:30 a.m. this morning the doorbell rang and my significant other, the father of my children (he likes to refer to himself as the grim reaper. childish but fitting) answers the door.
A man from a local tree cutting service is touching base with us as he is about to start work on the tree in our neighbors back yard that cowers over my roof like it's going to swallow me whole the next wind storm.
Instead of letting this be an enjoyable experience he decides it's in his most appropriate interest to start this 8:30 a.m. as a narcissist.
As I walk to the front door I hear him murmuring some sorts of "I'm about to poison the bitch" and the poor mans face looked appalled and slightly afraid. I simply asked him "not to say things like that" and have been met with "This is who I am. I am not changing for fucking anyone. someone will love me for me"

well while you're probably right and someone can love that unabashedly vile behavior they wont love it the way I do. So suddenly I'm in the dog house for trying to encourage my partner to be a better person as well as not cause unsafe living environments for me and my children... 

I know, ladies....red flag. Leave now ellie. well. we all know it's not that simple.

and while I'm sure more will unravel if and when I blog further for now I am stuck on this; why would you ever want to avoid becoming a better person? why would you want to be at a stalemate with yourself especially when that stalemate is so violent in itself?

on a side note it's now 801 PM I started this hours ago. he is home now. and theres an overwhelming sense of numbness. it's like my body cant be bothered to feel.... its given up