Goodnight

I woke up not speaking to Grim
feeling uncomfortable
we argued a bit more until he yelled "I just want a girlfriend who will love me for...ugh...whatever"
and it hit me
he doesnt think I accept him.
he knows I love him but he doesnt think I accept him.

so I tell him I will try harder. cause that's the thing about a narcissist and an empath. we want to fix them. we must fix them. we will die trying to fix them.
alas...maybe theres nothing to fix. all I've ever wanted was to be accepted...right?

so after grim heads to work I pack the kids and I take a drive to cool down because the suicidal tendencies are strong today. and as I'm driving I hear a loud snap and suddenly my car steers to the right and I hear a flapping noise as the tire flops airlessly on the pavement.
great.
I'm stranded with a 7 month old and a 2 year old. I panick. I pull over into an elementary school parking lot and call grim at work
"send me the address" so I text in the big blue printed letters on the side of the school.
I am already feeling the weight push down on the top of my head. why must everything go wrong. I call my mom. What else do you do when death is knocking at your front door?
shes a bomb diffuser. a master peace maker. she relaxes my panic and sets me up with a plan reminding me the tires are warrantied.

while I sit and wait for grim a Subaru pulls up and parks in the lots to the left of me. an elderly woman takes a long time getting out of her car making it apparent she is disabled. Those damn hips, I tell ya.
a 3 legged dog flops out of the car, his ears swayed with his fat belly while his stumpy legs found ground. At the same time a young runner was doing what seemed his daily jog and trying to adjust his ear buds (they never do fit right do they). The dog took interest and he was off after the young jogger nipping at his heels and barking. The elderly woman toggled along yelling at her mutt to behave while the young man tried to play it politely and pet the pup, who wanted nothing of it.
I went from crying to laughing. the weight lifted.

goodmorning

Dear reader,

This morning I was once again challenged by morals; but not in the way one might assume.
at 8:30 a.m. this morning the doorbell rang and my significant other, the father of my children (he likes to refer to himself as the grim reaper. childish but fitting) answers the door.
A man from a local tree cutting service is touching base with us as he is about to start work on the tree in our neighbors back yard that cowers over my roof like it's going to swallow me whole the next wind storm.
Instead of letting this be an enjoyable experience he decides it's in his most appropriate interest to start this 8:30 a.m. as a narcissist.
As I walk to the front door I hear him murmuring some sorts of "I'm about to poison the bitch" and the poor mans face looked appalled and slightly afraid. I simply asked him "not to say things like that" and have been met with "This is who I am. I am not changing for fucking anyone. someone will love me for me"

well while you're probably right and someone can love that unabashedly vile behavior they wont love it the way I do. So suddenly I'm in the dog house for trying to encourage my partner to be a better person as well as not cause unsafe living environments for me and my children... 

I know, ladies....red flag. Leave now ellie. well. we all know it's not that simple.

and while I'm sure more will unravel if and when I blog further for now I am stuck on this; why would you ever want to avoid becoming a better person? why would you want to be at a stalemate with yourself especially when that stalemate is so violent in itself?

on a side note it's now 801 PM I started this hours ago. he is home now. and theres an overwhelming sense of numbness. it's like my body cant be bothered to feel.... its given up